Yes, it has been another long hiatus for me. Turns out wedding planning and house buying is time consuming. Who knew?
While I have a brief respite, I thought I’d start a new series on Constructing Stories. Some of you may know that I write (with the help of Nathan Scheck and my soon-to-be wife, Jessica) TimeSlingers.com, a free, online serial story. It’s science fiction adventure—fast-paced and action-oriented.
We released half the storyline (which is currently posted) before realizing that writing for the Web meant altering things even more so than we had initially anticipated. The story needed to be brief, hard-hitting, and compelling. We want people to keep coming back every time a new episode is released.
My next few blog posts are all about how to effectively re-write and re-concept TimeSlingers.com. First up: cutting the fat. Story segments have ranged from 450 – 800 words. That’s way too long for the Web. Each post will be 350 words, max. Here’s an example of a comparison:
Old Version:
Silence, then a faint buzz followed by static. Marcus Kline cursed, shaking the communicator. With all the technology infused into the operation such glitches were uncommon, hazardous, and incredibly frustrating. The side effects of molecular teleportation were as varied as they were dangerous. A poor connection through the communicator was last on his list of things to worry about.
New Version:
Silence, then a faint buzz followed by static. Marcus Kline cursed. The side effects of molecular teleportation were as varied as they were dangerous. Communications failure could mean disaster.
I would love to hear your thoughts. To get the discussion started, let me raise several questions:
- Do you miss anything that the first version had that the second version doesn’t?
- Which version do you feel would be easier to read online?
- Which version do you prefer?
5 comments:
I actually like it shorter. Punchier. More action-y. Good stuff, Jay. =)
And I liked the first version, the longer one.
My theory is, if it's well written, readers don't notice how long it is.
Becky
Interesting thoughts. I initially found myself very reluctant to cut anything. Part of being a writer is adding prose to empower sentences. One thing that goes unrealized in the comparison of these two examples is the overall post.
The main question I consistently have to ask myself is this: A reader will only stick around so long, thus, what have I communicated at the end of the story segment?
If I said in 800 words what could have been said in 350, what do I gain with the extra 450 words?
Thoughts?
i like the older version. it caught my attention and urged me to continue reading.
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